All I know is what goes on in my Head

I can say I have been thinking about my life past and future. I been thinking about the good and bad. Thinking about the negatives,losses, positives, and the gain. The way I see it I haven't gained shit in my life up until this point. I had major losses in my life up until this point though. I lossed my ability to trust a woman now. I have lossed the patients to be in a relationship with a woman. I am constantly losing respect for people around me which is no suprise. People lie and deceive and do every thing they can to take a advantage wen they see an opportunity. I even lossed the ability to see my future in a positive way. I use to want a family and i use to have honor and pride myself on being true to myself as well as the one im with. But that bullshit don't exist with me no more. I don't want or need one woman. Cuz I am gone wanna fuck someone else if the chance comes up if i like them. I like being alone or the idea of being single that means I can tell you the truth if I choose to. Its probly bad or sad but I don't give a damn about how someone feels or thinks about me any more if they are a female especially. Im just gone be me in every way if you dont like it so who gives a shit. I know I dont honestly. Right now I did wish I had a child to take care of. Being a good father I can do that. A lot of women are raising dumb babies. Not all but alot of women. You kno why cuz they dumb themselves and for getting pregnant by dumb degenerate sperm donor. Its funny to me in those situations. I don't want or need or think a woman can make me happy in this point in my life. Just I for now can make me happy. I got this one chick thats digging me well no actually a couple that say they luv me and care bout me and all that crap. I feel sad at times cuz mayb they mean it. But then I say to myself she got issues and just don't want to be alone or sum shit. Either way I tell her I am not that guy that you need to be telling you luv him and stuff. Cuz i wont mostly care or either believe you. I am sorry I am this way. I just feel like people tell way to many lies ya kno men and women. In my case women man they be lying lol its cool though. I been killing myself since I was was 7 teen drinking smoking you know the usual stuff that makes a young adult in america. Im only grown now cuz i can buy a 40. Not because of my actions or judgement. But just because lol i am over 18 and 21 years of age. I miss europe tho at least you are treated like a human being that can make their own decisions. These are sumthings that goes on in my head just sum. I feel like dying right now.........................

Wish

I luv everyone first off. I wish people really accept dat. My wish is if I had a jeanee in a bottle i wish everyone found peace . My heart wish it didnt hurt so much thinkin bout how fucked up this world we live in. I have so much love inside of me that I wanna just let out and give. Make it rain they say.... I wish people would stop speedin thru wal mart parkin lot tho its babies and kids and old folks. I wish I wasnt thinkin and feelin like fallin back in love. Cuz its one luv for me still. I wish i didnt act a fool and be inconsiderate at certain moments. I wish i would stop feelin so sensitive tho. No homo... But like my nigga say time is money i wish i had more so im always ok wen i got it... so addicted

DarkSide

I can say that even though I love my family to death we are crazy ass hell. We all got anger issues. Especially me! I rarely even get angry though but when I do I feel like blowin every fucking thing up. Everything with no regard to shit. Right now I am currently angry and I feel like really shooting someone. I really do cuz mutha fuckers are pissin me off. Its bad cuz I dont bother no fuckin body. I dont try to disrepect people or make people feel uncomfortable or hurt anyone on purpose ya know. So please people dont come to me with any type of bullshit cuz my darkest side will come out and then its on. My darkside hasnt been out in years but he is still in me waiting for his chance to show his face. I just wish he never has to come out. Cuz he is a beast to mess with. I feel like letting go sumtimes though and just let my darkside take me over completely. But I had been doing my best to stay away from drama I finally got rid of sum drama causing females and got one more to go. But to sum all this up don't fuck with me ever or you will regret it...................

My First Love

First off before before I speak on my title of this blog I would like to let you know that today is just one of those days where I am like emotional(no homo though). Like one of those days and or nights you spend thinking about significant moments throughout your life. And one of those things that I was thinking about that kept me up most of the night was thinking bout my first love. Imma start it off like this...... I remember the first met it was through my bestest pal in the whole world Johnathon A. B. Bohannon ( AKA Scooter). Yeah! We picked her up from a hair appointment and when she got into the car and noticed I was in the back seat she turned around and it was like she feel in love with me at first sight. Because she just could not stop staring at me. I was like she was in a daze or sumthing and it really did creep me out cuz in the back of my mind I was like why in the hell is this girl looking at me like this. From then on I don't remember details about every single thing so bare with me. But what I will tell you is what I do remember about her and how I felt about her. I never knew when I met this girl that my life would change forever far as having deep thoughts about her. Cuz I had girl friends and stuff like that before that I said I loved. But I didn't even know what love felt like till I got to know this girl. She was different very different until this day I can say she still is different in a very special way. This is why I fell in love with her. Just like most relationships start off they start with the met and greets then phone calls and dates and visits. But with her every thing was an adventure to be cherished it truely is that is why I am sitting at my computer writing about sum of them. After we really got to know each other we was inseparatable. If you see her I am with her and vice versa. It was like she completed me and I needed her more than she needed me type deal. I remember times when I wasnt or could't be around her I would feel sick like my heart was slowly dying or sumthing. I would seriously feel sick to my stomach I would feel weak and without life. One of the greatest things I got out of being with her is her gift to make people laugh cuz was so silly just like me. She is the only person till this day that made me laugh the hardest the longest and the loudess. Most of those times I usualy was crying cause I was laughing so hard. We always did every single thing together we enjoyed each other that much. Both of our parents was like arent ya'll tired of being with each other all the damn time literally. My mom would say Jarvis you not tired of her being up under you all the time. I would say no but I could explain to my my at the time cuz I didn't think that she understood that I was really in love with this girl. One of the things that did break my heart being with her at times is when we did fight jus like any couple is I could not stand to she her cry. OMG please don't cry it broke my heart when she did and I hated when she cried cuz she was my baby. I felt like crying when she cried. My Baby! Everything we did together was always special. Everything every moment was special even the bad moments. We broke up a couple times though. But get right back together like 5 minutes later we both was that special and at the same time so drawn to each other that neither one of us could even seriously think about not being with one another. One thing I loved to do from time to time is watch the sunrise early in the morning. So one morning I took her to virginia beach to watch the sunrise. OMG this was one of the greastest moments in my life. We spent time on the beach chillin and even had sex on the beach but we was both trippen out cuz people lol was actually walking on the beach while i was inside her and then we was trippin out lol about a damn segal that to me looked funny cuz of the way it walked. I never had sex with her except for those need to get it in quickess. But all the other times we made love. And we did this very often very very often lol. It would be dayz spent where thats all we did. Do it sleep wake up do it sleep wake up do it then sleep. What I felt with her was almost unreal. Deep down knowing she has such a good heart and was so caring is what attracted me more to her each and everyday when we where together. I loved her family as if it was they my own. Lol I just remember when she almost tried to kill us though when she got mad at me. I was speeding down 95 on the way sum where I can recall but we got into an argument about sumthing and I I could remember is I was doing like 85 90 miles per hour and my baby gone grab the steering wheel and tried to run us off the road into a ditch. It was near the second chesterfied exit the one where you can go to 295 and hopewell. I say this lil part cuz I was watching a comedy the other day and the guy was like you can tell when your woman really loves you if she hits you or try to kill you. It might sound bad but its true in my opinion because I knew she loved me its just I upsetted her so bad at moments she could not lol restrain herself from striking me. I never felt so strongly about a girl in my life. Even till this day I haven't been able to come across this same emotion I felt with being with her. LOVE I mean like the die for type love. Yeah I ran into another girl after we had officially broken up that I said I Loved. But it was never like it was when I met my first real love. I still love her to this day but time and a lot of heartache has changed me in ways. Even after my love broke up she was always there for me I mean always there. Thank you for always being there for me even when you think I didn't appreciate it. Its people like my first love that really and truely make this life worth living and this world a better place. Thanks for reading and jus know my first love you are still my first.............................

Hopefully

Hopefully I can be in a mode where I feel free and not lie or pretend. Hopefully I can be happy with what I got going on in my life. Its kinda hard at times to be that way with thinking bout your problems and others problems of people you care about. Hopefully my family will all be together one day. Hopefully one day soon every human being finds peace in life instead of death. But currently I am a slave to death and so is half the world. Hopefully we all get it together one day. Hopefully people could stop lying to themselves causin them to lie to others. This very common and I can say I am guilty of it too. I am guilty of alot of things. One is letting others get to close to me and their not my family. All I see now is my family. Hopefully I have enough money to move some of them in with me so they won't miss me and I won't live alone. I don't need a conpanion or girlfriend right now. Fuck that shit right at this moment. Hopefully oneday I do meet someone that I am suppose to be with every single day until I die. But in todays times its to many flings and pretending. I rather not waste my time with that. I am only 23 and I see myself having money, house, and a steady outlook on life before I settle. So if I do be blessed to live til im older I can say I have plenty of time misses out there. Hopefully others that been in very depressed and fucked up situations learned from it. I did thats why I wanna do it right this time around instead of rushing things. Hopefully there is a woman out there that understands the above mentioned agenda (settling down). One day I hopefully I will be blessed with sum kids and not just a baby mama. This is important to me. Father and mother together always for the babies. Hopefully more people start to see things this way. It saddens me to see so many baby mamas out there with no real father. Or to see baby mamas that sperm donors fucking nutted and left the woman and child alone and they are no where to be found. Dammit I hate that shit!!! For the ones that know me, my situation, and my feelings towards kids know y I feel this way. Hopefully soon shit will come together for me...............

On My Mind

Shit I been thinking bout my family alot. I been thinking bout alot of shit including money, women, my life in general and what means most to me. At the current moment I am kinda like most people I would say most of us don't really know what we need we just know what we want. It's funny cuz I know what I need. But I am chasing wants. I listen to what people tell me when they talk to me so I'm not making shit up. For example I feel like every thing I heard so far evryone wants and needs someone with them. A partner in short. You gone be with me till Im gone or vice versa or god willin we die together. We or most of us want that. Is it what we need tho. Maybe. I want a woman I can be down with for life. There is one thats proven so much to me over the years but I think I fucked that shit all up. Its nice to know her cuz she has a big heart regardless what you think about her. So now I am just gettin off auto piolet and thinkin bout really havin someone by my side. I can't live this life alone if I want but my heart is not tryin to let me. It's constantly telling me to share it. (My Heart) At times I resist its urge to open it up. Number one reason people play games and if not they not focused. That leaves me lonely right now like others out there. But its cool cuz I believe in fate. If its meant to be it will. If not you will soon find out if not already. My generation is all screwed up and I am a product of this shit. Its funny cuz I seen this crazyness coming even when I was little thats why I constantly was thinking about killing myself or dying. But I have learned I can't die yet until my physical, mental, and soul served its purpose. So now I starting to get a lil mo focused on my family. Cuz they are always there for you. Imma be there for them too. Other than that I think about you all that I met. If slept with you chilled or talked to you imma pray for us all especially for myself. This life is crazy..................

Go Head

Go head and be free like the wind. Begin a new life with the past future. Go head find peace or be patient and it will come. Go head have kids and a big family. Go head don't be scared to be happy do what makes you that way. Go head forget about me and the nonsense that don't matter at this moment. Just live. Imma go head and live to I die if I'm not dead already. Go head make more mistakes jus don't make the same ones that keep you from being happy now. Go head and focus on important stuff that makes you wanna live to see the next day. Go head and live. Live, live,live, LIVE....