Here There I dont't Know

Have you ever felt so down. So confused lol. So withdrawn and alone like no one ever experience what you u what u feel and how u life. Somedayz you feel like your heart is actually melting and you will all of a sudden die from a heart attack. You feel like not trusting any one except for ones you grew up with. Bros, Sis, Mom, Closet best friend like Bro, and of course cuzzos and all ur fam. But u dont trust girl friends, boy friends ex's, prospects, assocaites, booty calls what ever you want to call call them. All those ppl I put in a category. The catorgory is dissapointment of possible future dissapointment. Now I feel like no one I met or know truly understands my being and my thoughts and feelings. They say they do. But they lie you lie I lie we all lie. Oh I care and understand well help me I say. Lol then what comes next an excuse or some help or the type of help or cure you dont need. Once again your alone . But one thing I can say your FAMILY will be there for you always. ALWAYS if you have any.... But in general with folks who got sum ppl that care for them. Thats why I am not having no girl friend no wifey or no boo or anything like that for a while. Im much happier facing the fact that I would live my life without a female counter part. Just like men we say we this we that we say we the shit . Women say im different trust worthy idependent strong you say this you say that u say tons of things to get ur so called man. I just simply cant believe anything anyone tells me any more unless action follows. You might as well punch me in my face to tell me you are mad at me then to say your mad. Sike dont do that shit cuz then i might have to kill you. I am setting myself free. Free from you people who devour my soul for your own pleasure your own unconcious self rightoues reasons. Your so call love your lust your concern. Just think of me as someone who is or is going brain dead heart dead im dead. You ever felt like sum things you just feed up with you just grown im fucking patient. I am a ticking time bomb. Thats why im cutting certain ppl off or out of my life cuz i care but they dont understand my mind is here and there all the time. If you know or knew me then you would know my doesnt sit to be normal. I constantly thinking about dying every single day. Thats not normal ppl say but ppl do think that way. I not going to wish any thing bu it would b a relief to be free from all this confusion pain suffering poisen war and tons of other bad things that to me out weighs living in dis piece of shit this black hole we call home earth. Fuck it i say just kill me and im good cuz my mind is here and there...